When A Child Who Regards His Sibling...and Everyone Else...As Rivals
It was surreal to attent my third or fourth parent-teacher conference at my son's pre-school. I've been a parent for five years, seven if you add my children's ages and although in most instances I've gotten the hang of the whole process, I still don't feel far enough removed from my own childhood (even though I turned eighteen thirteen years ago) to be considered the adult I'm supposed to be. Besides, like i said before, some of the things I'm into keep me locked in that mode of perpetual child mode.
But the point of this post was that I learned something about my son Apel that kind of bothered me. I didn't so much learn it as see it confirmed after observing it for quite some time.
My son, it seems, is overly competitive, a trait which completely leaves me at a loss considering that neither his mother nor I are like that. I, particularly, have always been the laid-back type when it came to things like academics or even sports. I did well in the former, especially in college, because I liked my atmosphere, and did okay in the latter mostly because I just played to have fun.
But Apel seems to see every little activity a some kind of contest or another, whether it's submitting his seatwork, comparing himself to his sister, or even comparing his collection of toy cars to mine, of all things.
He seems to be a test case for the argument that attitudes like competitiveness are entirely inborn, because he was born very much into a household where neither of us practices one-upmanship.
It's clear enough to me, even without a degree in psychology, that he is concerned that, unless he is the best, he won't be loved enough, based on both our experiences at home and his teacher's accounts that seems to be very much the case. I feel partly to blame for this as I am openly affectionate with his sister, though I try whenever it occurs to me in time to spread the affection around so as not to alienate anyone. And besides, Apel's collection of first-hand toys is quite massive compared to his sister's meager colection of hand-me-downs, though I know that isn't supposed to be the proper barometer for parental love.
Still, for one reason or another Apel seems to believe that unless he is the best at something, he won't be good enough for the people he loves.
I only just sat down with him to explain to him that it doesn't have to be this way; he doesn't HAVE to compete with every other kid around to be loved. I explained that while sometimes this attitude can be healthy, as in competitive sports, he doesn't have to practice it all the time. Tricky, tricky stuff.
But the point of this post was that I learned something about my son Apel that kind of bothered me. I didn't so much learn it as see it confirmed after observing it for quite some time.
My son, it seems, is overly competitive, a trait which completely leaves me at a loss considering that neither his mother nor I are like that. I, particularly, have always been the laid-back type when it came to things like academics or even sports. I did well in the former, especially in college, because I liked my atmosphere, and did okay in the latter mostly because I just played to have fun.
But Apel seems to see every little activity a some kind of contest or another, whether it's submitting his seatwork, comparing himself to his sister, or even comparing his collection of toy cars to mine, of all things.
He seems to be a test case for the argument that attitudes like competitiveness are entirely inborn, because he was born very much into a household where neither of us practices one-upmanship.
It's clear enough to me, even without a degree in psychology, that he is concerned that, unless he is the best, he won't be loved enough, based on both our experiences at home and his teacher's accounts that seems to be very much the case. I feel partly to blame for this as I am openly affectionate with his sister, though I try whenever it occurs to me in time to spread the affection around so as not to alienate anyone. And besides, Apel's collection of first-hand toys is quite massive compared to his sister's meager colection of hand-me-downs, though I know that isn't supposed to be the proper barometer for parental love.
Still, for one reason or another Apel seems to believe that unless he is the best at something, he won't be good enough for the people he loves.
I only just sat down with him to explain to him that it doesn't have to be this way; he doesn't HAVE to compete with every other kid around to be loved. I explained that while sometimes this attitude can be healthy, as in competitive sports, he doesn't have to practice it all the time. Tricky, tricky stuff.
posted by Jim Arroyo | 4:16 PM
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